Studies have shown that 70% of women do not orgasm from penetration alone and 15%-20% of women have never experienced orgasm. Many women will at some point in their lives experience some type of orgasmic difficulty. The search for that "Elusive Orgasm" can be frustrating and isolating, leaving a woman feeling like there's something wrong with them. But as the numbers above show, that's hardly the case.
At the beginning of my sensual toy parties while the ladies are catching up with each other and getting to know me, I pass out what I call a Party Poll. On it, there are several sexual topics, such as The G Spot or Adventurous Sex, and the ladies can check any of the topics they are interested in hearing more about. I do this because I like to tailor my demonstration and topics towards the group I am with.
Below the topics is a blank space where the ladies can ask any question they have on their mind. Whatever question they've always wanted to ask but have been shy or embarrassed about asking their friends. The Party Poll is completely anonymous, so nobody will know who asked which question, which tends to give the women a little more freedom to ask that deep, dark, burning question.
To this date 98% of all of the questions I get from this poll have to do with orgasms. Or lack, thereof.
One woman wrote, that she had hardly had any orgasms, and didn't really like sex. I did not get a chance to speak to her directly (many times in the ordering room, people will then ask their question in person and I can address any issues specifically), so I didn't get a chance to tell her that it is a common issue for women. And frankly if you're not experiencing enough arousal and pleasure from sex, it's no wonder that it's not that enjoyable. There are, however, things she can do to change that.
The first step is to learn more about orgasms, how they happen, and what may be preventing them from occurring. There are many different reasons for difficulty obtaining orgasms. Many causes of orgasmic difficult are physiological. Hormones play a great part in the orgasmic experience and if they are off it can effect not only your libido or desire for sex, but also your ability to orgasm. So getting checked out by your doctor is an option, especially for those women who are older or who used to orgasm more but have been having problems lately.
According to Dr. Jennifer Berman, who specializes in sexual health issues in women, "The orgasm is a learned reflex that you usually discover before puberty. If for whatever reason the brain-genital connections are not made at that time it's like trying to learn Chinese when you're fifty, as opposed to five. There's something that goes on at the time of orgasm that is a complex reflex of hormones, neurological, muscular, blood flow, psychological, emotional--it's a symphony. There is a point in time when the frontal cortex of your brain is acutely aware of the moment; it shuts off your primitive brain, and then the limbic system takes over. But for people who are non orgasmic they don't have the capacity to ignite that switch."
And in "The Elusive Orgasm" by Vivienne Cass, PhD, she says that for a lot of women, it's a matter of not getting aroused enough to orgasm.
So what can we do? Dr. Berman uses a mixture of things including meditation, stress reduction teaching women how to make themselves vulnerable and let go of control. Stress, particularly, can play havoc with your ability to orgasm as relaxation is an integral part of the process.
Next you need spend some time alone, seeing what makes you aroused and what feels good to you. You need to learn what touches make you feel good, before you can tell somebody else what to do. And learning what works on your own, without the pressure of somebody else's expectations can be a great first step. Play around with fantasy-- this is particularly important for women as fantasy can be a huge factor in the ability to orgasm. Picture whatever it is that is sensual and hot for you (and it is different for us all.)
There are three books I highly recommend for anybody who is interested in learning more about orgasms in general, what issues might be involved in preventing orgasms, and how to better attain them.
The Elusive Orgasm by Vivienne Cass, PhD
This book goes into all of the different types of orgasm difficulties and then gives you ways to break through whatever particular barrier is blocking you from achieving orgasm. It gets you to think about why you may not be achieving orgasm, and then gives you the steps to take to improve orgasmic ability. A great book for getting you really thinking about what your particular issue may be, and then helping you work your way through it.
The Multi-Orgasmic Woman by Mantak Chia & Rachel Carlton Abrams, MD
This book uses ancient Taoist sexual practices to bring about a holistic view of women's sexual pleasure. They discuss the emotional and physical chemical reactions involved in orgasms, as well as using Taoist practices such as "healing sounds" to help balance your emotions and energy exchanges.
The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex by Barbara Keesling, PhD
This is a great book that helps you focus your most important sexual organ -- your brain. It gets you to think about sex more in daily life, making it a part of your whole life and not just a section we pull out of the closet every once in a while. There are also several great physical & mental exercises that she walks you through step by step that helps build physiological and mental awareness regarding arousal and orgasms.
Lack of orgasm or difficulty orgasming can be a sensitive issue, as many women are too embarrassed to seek help. I suggest starting with one of the above-mentioned books to broaden your physiological knowledge about orgasms and how they work. Try some of the exercises and see what blossoms from there. If needed, you can always consult a professional sex therapist or sex coach, who can help you work through your difficulties.
But above all, don't give up. With the proper information, assistance, time and practice -- you can unlock your sensual self and fully realize your sexual potential. It's all in your hands.
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