In Search of the Elusive Orgasm

Studies have shown that 70% of women do not orgasm from penetration alone and 15%-20% of women have never experienced orgasm. Many women will at some point in their lives experience some type of orgasmic difficulty. The search for that "Elusive Orgasm" can be frustrating and isolating, leaving a woman feeling like there's something wrong with them. But as the numbers above show, that's hardly the case.

At the beginning of my sensual toy parties while the ladies are catching up with each other and getting to know me, I pass out what I call a Party Poll. On it, there are several sexual topics, such as The G Spot or Adventurous Sex, and the ladies can check any of the topics they are interested in hearing more about. I do this because I like to tailor my demonstration and topics towards the group I am with.

Below the topics is a blank space where the ladies can ask any question they have on their mind. Whatever question they've always wanted to ask but have been shy or embarrassed about asking their friends. The Party Poll is completely anonymous, so nobody will know who asked which question, which tends to give the women a little more freedom to ask that deep, dark, burning question.

To this date 98% of all of the questions I get from this poll have to do with orgasms. Or lack, thereof.

One woman wrote, that she had hardly had any orgasms, and didn't really like sex. I did not get a chance to speak to her directly (many times in the ordering room, people will then ask their question in person and I can address any issues specifically), so I didn't get a chance to tell her that it is a common issue for women. And frankly if you're not experiencing enough arousal and pleasure from sex, it's no wonder that it's not that enjoyable. There are, however, things she can do to change that.

The first step is to learn more about orgasms, how they happen, and what may be preventing them from occurring. There are many different reasons for difficulty obtaining orgasms. Many causes of orgasmic difficult are physiological. Hormones play a great part in the orgasmic experience and if they are off it can effect not only your libido or desire for sex, but also your ability to orgasm. So getting checked out by your doctor is an option, especially for those women who are older or who used to orgasm more but have been having problems lately.

According to Dr. Jennifer Berman, who specializes in sexual health issues in women, "The orgasm is a learned reflex that you usually discover before puberty. If for whatever reason the brain-genital connections are not made at that time it's like trying to learn Chinese when you're fifty, as opposed to five. There's something that goes on at the time of orgasm that is a complex reflex of hormones, neurological, muscular, blood flow, psychological, emotional--it's a symphony. There is a point in time when the frontal cortex of your brain is acutely aware of the moment; it shuts off your primitive brain, and then the limbic system takes over. But for people who are non orgasmic they don't have the capacity to ignite that switch."

And in "The Elusive Orgasm" by Vivienne Cass, PhD, she says that for a lot of women, it's a matter of not getting aroused enough to orgasm.

So what can we do? Dr. Berman uses a mixture of things including meditation, stress reduction teaching women how to make themselves vulnerable and let go of control. Stress, particularly, can play havoc with your ability to orgasm as relaxation is an integral part of the process.

Next you need spend some time alone, seeing what makes you aroused and what feels good to you. You need to learn what touches make you feel good, before you can tell somebody else what to do. And learning what works on your own, without the pressure of somebody else's expectations can be a great first step. Play around with fantasy-- this is particularly important for women as fantasy can be a huge factor in the ability to orgasm. Picture whatever it is that is sensual and hot for you (and it is different for us all.)

There are three books I highly recommend for anybody who is interested in learning more about orgasms in general, what issues might be involved in preventing orgasms, and how to better attain them.

The Elusive Orgasm by Vivienne Cass, PhD

This book goes into all of the different types of orgasm difficulties and then gives you ways to break through whatever particular barrier is blocking you from achieving orgasm. It gets you to think about why you may not be achieving orgasm, and then gives you the steps to take to improve orgasmic ability. A great book for getting you really thinking about what your particular issue may be, and then helping you work your way through it.

The Multi-Orgasmic Woman by Mantak Chia & Rachel Carlton Abrams, MD

This book uses ancient Taoist sexual practices to bring about a holistic view of women's sexual pleasure. They discuss the emotional and physical chemical reactions involved in orgasms, as well as using Taoist practices such as "healing sounds" to help balance your emotions and energy exchanges.

The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex by Barbara Keesling, PhD

This is a great book that helps you focus your most important sexual organ -- your brain. It gets you to think about sex more in daily life, making it a part of your whole life and not just a section we pull out of the closet every once in a while. There are also several great physical & mental exercises that she walks you through step by step that helps build physiological and mental awareness regarding arousal and orgasms.

Lack of orgasm or difficulty orgasming can be a sensitive issue, as many women are too embarrassed to seek help. I suggest starting with one of the above-mentioned books to broaden your physiological knowledge about orgasms and how they work. Try some of the exercises and see what blossoms from there. If needed, you can always consult a professional sex therapist or sex coach, who can help you work through your difficulties.

But above all, don't give up. With the proper information, assistance, time and practice -- you can unlock your sensual self and fully realize your sexual potential. It's all in your hands.

The Art of the Sexy Surprise

This top ten list of sexy actions, is found in the book Be Incredibly Sexy: A Crash Course in Getting Your Groove On -- and Keeping It There by Helena Frith Powell.

I highly recommend this book for ideas on finding that inner "diva", gaining sensual self-confidence and getting your head back into the game.

As Helena says, "Don't try them all at once!"

1. After a sedate dinner (once the kids have gone to bed) tell your partner that dessert is on you. Literally. Get the ice cream and spread it all over.

2. Go to dinner at your in-laws' wearing no underwear. But be sure to let him know you're not wearing any just as you get out of the car. He can mull over the fact all through dinner and ravish you on your way home.

3. Rent a porn movie. Nothing too drastic. Watch it together with a bottle of champagne.

4. Go to bed in garters and stockings on what is otherwise a normal weekday. Obviously you need to make sure he sees them! So saunter oh-so-casually past him to get a glass of water or turn on the alarm clock.

5. Go to a sex shop together. You don't need to buy the double-headed black mamba, for heaven's sake. In fact, some sex shops now are perfectly respectable places to be seen in. And you never know what you might find.

6. Fantasize-- you can do this together and it works well. Imagine you're somewhere or someone else.

7. Pounce-- this will obviously only work if you're alone in the house. Pick your moment and pounce on him or her. The unexpected approach will be a huge turn-on. Just make sure it's somewhere less obvious than the bedroom. Go for the bathroom or the kitchen table. Remember that scene in The Postman Always Rings Twice? Jack Nicholson and Jessica Lange covered in flour and consumed with passion.

8. Sex slaves-- promise to be his or her sex slave for the next two hours.

9. Promise him oral sex whenever he wants it. The generosity of this gift will touch any man. And amaze most of them. The most common complaint about their sex life I hear from my male friends is that they can never get oral sex from their partners.

10. Check out a new position on the Internet or in a book and try it out on him or her. But be careful about looking at porn on the web and never leave your name and email address.

The Sensual Journey

I thought it might be best to take a moment to explain who I am and what this blog is about. I am a sex-toy saleswoman by trade, although I see it as more of a calling than a job. I don't just sell people toys... I educate them, make them laugh, show them the possibilities, and answer questions that they don't feel they could ask anyone else.

Four years ago, when I started, I just thought of it as a job-- a very fun job that had to do with a subject I was very interested in! But as I met more women and began talking with them and, more importantly, listening to them, I realized that these women had gone through some very interesting events in their sensual lives. This trip of self-discovery from the time they were little girls, through puberty and first loves, marriage or maybe not, children, or maybe not, into middle and older age-- is an amazing journey. The things they learned about themselves, what they wanted, and more importantly what they could have-- are priceless. And I realized that so many of them thought that they were alone in their struggles, alone with their issues. Because we don't talk about these things. And because we don't talk about it, we don't realize that so many others are going through the same things, or have gone through them already and come out the other side.

I call this trip our Sensual Journey. We all have one. Our journeys may have similarities in the paths we've taken, or experiences we've had, but our entire journey is unique to us. The family we're born into, the way we're raised, the culture we live in and our own personal individual tastes and decisions-- all of these lead us towards our own personal destination.

I wanted to learn more about these women's journeys. Let them tell their stories, and share them so that other women could read them and see that they were indeed NOT alone.

This blog will contain these stories, as well as discussions and information about sex, relationships, how these things affect our lives and how our lives affect these things.

I look forward to these discussions and look forward to learning even more about the amazing journey we are all on.

See you on the road.